I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
