Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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