we should wear snuggies to the strip club
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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