Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
