another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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