The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
