I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I think my moral compass just broke
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