when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
This house was built for laser tag.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
