I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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