Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
