wanna go halves on a baby?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
