i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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