the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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