Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
