when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
