my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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