did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
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Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
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i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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