she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
