College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
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