The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
