Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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