Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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