Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
