I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
