if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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