I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
