its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
