I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
