Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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