the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
