I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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