Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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