cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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