Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
