i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
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I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
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Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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