I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
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I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
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I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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