Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
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