Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
