There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
