im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
i need some magic done to my vagina
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
