Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
