I want to make a zoo with you.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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