the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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