I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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