In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
