I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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