The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
