you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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