this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
