This is not my ceiling
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
