i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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