my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize