That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
